Why do I accept myself being obese?

I have thought a lot about this question for the past few days. I believe that everything that we do is for a reason. I also believe that if I am ever going to lose weight and keep it off I have understand WHY I continue saying overweight in the first place. So I had to look deep inside myself and ask “What am I afraid of?” The answer WORK and FEAR…. I am lazy point blank. I work in an office where I sit for 8 to 9 hours, while I do get up here and there I basically still sit on my butt! Then I come home, get on the computer for a short while, make something for dinner, and then do what? Sit back on my butt…. I don’t want to do things because it would require me to work.

I also don’t do things because I feel like it’s interrupting my “me” time. Well If I do this and that then I won’t have any time to just rest. Which I know is BS in reality because I don’t normally come home sit for like an hour and then go to bed! So I know deep down that I still have some “me” time. So I will pass that one off as an excuse…. So we are back again to WORK…. Losing weight requires having to work hard! I have to watch everything I eat, possibly take time to count calories, blog, track my eating and exercise regularly.

Let’s face it, it’s a lot easier to eat what you want, how you want, to sit down and just watch tv and not make an effort. It is annoying to see someone skinny who can have a nice juicy hamburger at the local joint and because I am bigger I should just opt for the salad so yeah there is also some resentment too…. Why did I get the fat gene? I love food, but have sometimes wondered what do I really get out of eating food and what can I do instead of eating that will also make me feel good the way food does. I will highly admit that food is beyond nutrition for me. I would almost rather starve then eat a salad everyday because I can’t stand having the same thing all the time even though it will make the tummy pains of hunger go away. I want good food!

I know deep down I want to be more fit and look nice in clothes. I will admit that I got very frustrated when I wasn’t on my thyroid meds due to insurance, that I gained so much weight! That annoys me it’ wasn’t “my fault” of why I got so big and now low and behold I am at the BIGGEST I have EVER been in my life, including being 9 months Prego with any of the kids! That’s insane! Just 1 ½ ago I was about 100lbs smaller…. I think to myself how did I get to this but with my health I just couldn’t lose, and now the motivation is just gone! Some moments it’s there and others I just have to throw the idea of motivation out the window and make myself doing things…..

But I am not getting that *instant gratification* that I am seeking, that whoo-hoo I am down a few lbs this week, and then next week a few more…. That gets me excited because I SEE results. But lately it’s not happening but I feel that is not happening because I am not being honest with myself and putting in a 100% . How can I expect great results when I am only putting in 50%? It’s like painting half a portrait and then expecting a full master piece to appear! It just won’t happen……

So what is step one this week?????? It’s simple because this is a process and it’s baby steps, remember I said I have to *fix* me and understand what I do to make this a lifelong choice! So this week my homework is to be honest with myself. I am to write every single thing down that I eat every single day. Write it, see it and post it for the world to see! I am going to also log what I am feeling when I want to eat *bad* things, how I feel after words and what I get out of eating foods that are not so healthy for me. It’s all about honesty. This week will not be focused on weight loss but the reasons I am now maintaining weight (while now being on meds for my thyroid). That is all today :)

Welcome June 2010....

Ok, so I haven't lost that much from 04/28 to now... but I figure we all got to start somewhere. I have a 10 year reunion coming up and I can't imagine I really want to go looking like this... I still need to buy my tickets and it's coming up soon... so better get a charge on that one... so we'll see.... eating is ok... still having probs w/ carb moderation... maybe I need to start from the beginning, lil to no carb and work my way back to the carb area....

Ahhh... well.... just wanted to write a lil something...

Walked 2 miles today w/ my gal Leslie Sansone... whew... so that's the good part. :D

More to come... I promise. :D